


Can I Be Enough?

by keykyuhyun



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-05-18 18:21:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19340020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keykyuhyun/pseuds/keykyuhyun
Summary: “you never loved me” he whispered. Silence followed.“That’s not true” I replied back, speaking slowly as if not to ruin the moment.“I loved you with everything I had. The way I loved you was intense, profound, it was soul consuming.” I said, my voice getting louder and louder with each passing word. “But in the end that wasn’t enough for you!” Realizing I was yelling my voice dropped down to a whisper“I was never enough for you Jiyong”





	1. Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I wrote most of this a while ago, time to get back to it! :) Thanks for reading!

Memories are a funny thing. You can be lost in the mundane routine of life when out of nowhere, something as simple as a certain smell can transport you to a different time and place. To a life that seems completely different from the one you are living. To a simpler time. A time filled with happiness.

Now to say I'm completely unhappy with my life as it is now is not an accurate statement to make. I have friends, I have a wonderful job, I’m happy. It just took me a long time to get to here.

It all started freshman year of college.

“Is this seat taken?” startled by the sudden noise that broke through the silence of the library, my head shot up.

"Go ahead” I replied as I studied the man that stood before me. His blonde hair fell lightly over his forehead. That’s the first thing I noticed. Making my way down his body I realized he looked tall, he had a slim build, and most importantly he was impeccably dressed for doing homework at the library.

“You have a name?” my stranger asked me. My eyes quickly made their way back up his body to see a slight smile on his face. Clearly caught checking him out my eyes widened.

“Yeah of course I do” I replied hurriedly as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Silence followed. 

“And it would probably help if i told you what it is, wouldn't it?” I said chuckling slightly.

“Its Lee Seunghyun, but feel free to call me Seungri. All my friends do” I said while reaching my hand out to him across the table.

“Oh so we are friends already?” he mused while shaking my hand. “It’s nice to meet you Seungri. I’m Jiyong.” That slight smile still gracing his face. That smile would be the death of me. I just didn’t know it yet.

Feeling embarrassed by his comment I managed to sputter, “Of course we aren’t! I barely know you!” Seeing the surprise light up his face at my outburst I quickly continued. “I mean we can be! I didn’t mean that I didn’t want us to be friends at all! Listen, come to think of it everyone calls me Seungri, It’s not just for friends!”

Realizing that the last comment didn’t help my argument I took a deep breath to compose myself and finally ended my rant with “If we are going to be friends you should know I’m not always this weird”

It was quiet and I was slightly worried that I had upset him or offended him in some way. The quiet only lasted for a second before I heard laughter pour from his lips.

“Oh Seungri! We are going to be good friends. I can already tell” he chuckled as he pulled his laptop out of his bag.

After that we didn’t speak much. We just sat in silence, the only sound being our fingers hitting the keys on our computers, the scent of old books filled the air.

Old books. The smell of old books. Leaving that precious memory in my mind, I come back to the present time. It’s been over 7 years since I first met him. It’s been over 7 years since we sat together in that library doing homework. A lot has gone on since then. A lot of love, happiness, and joy. And it all ended in tears and heartbreak.

Taking a deep breath I prepared myself for the day. My old college has asked certain alumni to come and talk to the incoming freshman class. Give them advice, show them around campus, prepare them for the newest chapter in their lives.

I was beyond excited when I got the email inviting me to participate in this event. However as I neared the end of the email, I saw the list of other alumni who were invited to speak. Two words. One name. Kwon Jiyong.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel seeing him again. I wasn’t sure if it was for the best. We didn’t leave things on great terms. It seemed like a life time ago. Opening the library door I made my way to the sign in table. Grabbing my name tag and welcome folder I made my way to one of the meeting rooms to hear about how the day was going to be run.

Reading through the contents of the welcome folder I heard some shuffling of feet, and the chair next to mine move.

Then quietly, the voice I haven't heard in years, whispered “Is this seat taken?”

and my whole world stopped.


	2. Partners

“Is this seat taken?”

How is it possible that four little words have the ability to completely stop my breathing? To stop the world from spinning? At the sound of his voice I felt a multitude of emotions. At first it was just surprise. The surprise then turned to sadness, which quickly morphed into anger. Out of all the seats in this room he had to pick the one next to mine?  
This sudden anger took me by surprise. I had expected to see his face, to see his mesmerizing eyes, the soft curve of his lips, and completely melt. I expected to feel like a seventeen year old again. To put it simply, anger was not something I expected to feel.

“It’s not” I replied shortly. “But I would prefer if you sat somewhere else”

Finally looking up at his face I could see that my anger was not only shocking myself, but him as well. I knew him well enough to be able to see the little signs that showed he was hurt by my words. This wasn’t the first time I had said something that had hurt his feelings. He inhaled quickly, I saw his eyes shift back and forth, he quickly pushed the chair back in and made his way across the room to a different spot.

‘good’ I thought to myself as I looked back down at the opened welcome folder in front of me. The anger fading slightly. Not long after that the presentation began.

We were here to talk to freshmen about how our experiences in college affected our lives. The goal was for us to go deeper than just the academic side of being in college. We were supposed to talk about our relationships: with teachers, with friends, with anyone that we met during our college years that we felt changed our lives.

Anyone who changed my life? There were a lot of people who changed my life during college. I had a couple really solid friendships, most of whom I am still friends with to this day. I had good relationships with my professors, I even got along with the administrative staff. But the one person who changed me the most, the one who changed the trajectory of my life, sat across the room from me silently following along with the presentation.

Lost in my own thoughts, I finally allowed myself to look to where he was sitting. I took a minute to really look at him. He changed. That much I expected, it had been two years since I last saw him. His hair was now black, gone was the fluffy blonde hair that I once knew so well. He looked older, more mature. He wore a simple pair of light wash jeans and a black shirt that clung to his body in all the right ways. He looked perfect. He looked even better than when I met him for the first time all those years ago, if that was even possible.

“Alright so lets talk about what you guys are doing for the first half of the day” The administrator’s voice broke through my train of thoughts. “You will be split into pairs, you and your partner will have your own classroom. You will meet the freshmen in groups of ten. After a half hour the first group of students will leave and the next group will come in. That make sense to everyone?” We all nodded our heads

“Alright so this is the list of who has who for their partners as well as your room number. Feel free to head to your classroom. The groups will start coming in a little over an hour. Let me know if you have any questions. And thank you all so much for your participation!” Stepping down from the podium the administrator placed the list on the table closest to the front of the room.

Taking a deep breath I made my way to the front of the room to see who I would be partnered with. As I walked I wished with every bone in my body that I was with anyone but Jiyong. I couldn’t do it. I wasn't ready. It was stupid to think I was. Finally reaching the front I searched for my name and felt all the air leave my body.

It wasn't him. Jiyong was not my partner.

Daesung was my partner, a classmate I remember taking a literature class with. I thought this would make me feel better. Knowing that I wouldn’t have to see him. But strangely all the anger I felt this morning was gone, replaced with disappointment.

“Seungri!! Wow! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! How have you been? I wish we would have stayed in touch after we graduated! Today is going to be awesome I can’t wait!” Daesung’s bubbly voice filled my ears.

“Yeah of course, It will be great” I mumbled half heartedly as we headed towards our classroom.

Once out of the library, the conversation between Daesung and I started to flow more smoothly. We talked about everything. Old memories from college, what we are doing with our lives now, our love lives.

“So do you remember Choi Seunghyun” Daesung asked me as we neared the end of our trek towards our classroom.

“Yeah of course, he was also in that literature class with us right? always wanted to be at the top of the class?” I replied trying to remember back to those days. “wait didn’t you have like this major crush on him?” Looking over I saw a blush begin to form on his face.

“ok don’t make fun of me but I totally did. Like I’m pretty sure I was in love with that man. Nothing ever happened of course. He was completely out of my league. I barely even said three words to him the whole semester. Never had any other classes with him. I’m pretty sure he was an art major or something. He is here today though so maybe I’ll get a chance to talk to him” He was quiet for a minute as we entered our classroom. He looked lost in thought, a small smile played on his lips.

“I wouldn’t make fun of you for that. I understand. Love is hard. It’s difficult whether its reciprocated or not.” I said as I made my way to the front of the classroom.

“That’s right! You dated Jiyong didn’t you? Man I completely forgot about that! You guys were so in love, everyone was dying from jealousy” Seeing the doubtful look on my face he continued. “I’m serious! The way he looked at you was like a movie! I’m pretty sure he thought you moved the earth and stars and all of that other mushy gushy stuff! What ever happened to you guys? I thought for sure you were going to end up together forever and would get married and live in a perfect house with a white picket fence and have cute little adopted babies!”

I wasn’t surprised by his question. I knew it would come eventually. I had tried to prepare myself for it. I knew that people thought we were a good couple. We were in love. There was no denying it. I loved him with my entire body. I know Daesung thought that I moved the earth and stars but he was wrong. Jiyong was everything to me. I thought he was my forever love. The one I would grow old with. Daesung wasn’t the only one who thought Jiyong and I would have the perfect house with the perfect family, and the perfect life. I thought that too. I made plans for that. But that’s the problem with making plans. They don’t always work out. And when they fail and your world crumbles around you it’s hard to pick up the pieces.

“We broke up” even as I said the words I regretted how harsh it sounded. It wasn’t Daesung’s fault. He was just curious, it’s just hard to relive one of the most painful parts of your life. Taking a deep breathe I decided to change the subject. It was only the beginning of the day and I didn’t want the rest of it to be awkward.

“Do you know what room Seunghyun is in? Mr. Top-of the-class?” I asked hoping Daesung wouldn’t ask me to elaborate on my failed relationship.

I heard the rustling of his papers stop, I looked up at him to see him staring at me with a guilty look on his face.

“Actually I do. Him and his partner are a couple rooms down from us. I was going to ask if you would mind if his partner and I switched so I could maybe talk to him a little. Ya know see if there is a spark or not?”

“And you’re nervous to ask me that?” I looked at him with confusion. “You do know I would have no problem with that right? I mean I know my forever love failed but that doesn't mean I don't want you to try and find yours” I joked trying to lighten the mood.

“well thats the thing” he said quietly. “His partner is Jiyong. And I was only going to ask you to switch because I thought you guys were still dating or at least on good terms. But you seem a little iffy when it comes to anything having to do with him. It doesn't matter anyway! Like I said before I was out of his league when we were in college and i’m out of his league now.” He finished, almost whispering.

My heart broke a little for him. Daesung and I weren’t the closest of friends. He was a good person and a good classmate. Normally I wouldn’t even think twice about switching partners with him. But if I switched with him that would mean spending a whole day with Jiyong and I wasn’t sure I could handle that. I barely managed seeing him this morning. On the other hand Daesung looked so hopeful. He never had the crazy, intense type of love before and it seemed wrong to stand in the way of that.

‘be the bigger person” I thought to myself.

“Alright Daesung I want you to know I’m only doing this because I consider us friends. If you want to switch I have no problem with it.” Seeing his eyes widen I quickly continued “But if this days goes horribly because of it I will hate you for the rest of my life”

Smiling he gave me quick hug before racing out of the room.

Alright Seungri. This is it, keep your feelings in check. It all happened a long time ago. Everything will be fine. This day will go perfectly and then you’ll never have to think about or see him again.

Even as I thought it, I somehow knew it wouldn't go according to my plan. Nothing with Jiyong ever went according to my plan. It was a lesson I still had not learned.


	3. Hideaway

The second Daesung left the room I began to feel my heartbeat speed up. My breathing became erratic, and I felt sick to my stomach. I was nervous. I shouldn’t have agreed to this. This was a mistake. It was to late to go back now though. I was going to have to suck it up and hope I made it through the day.

Taking a deep breath I busied myself organizing the papers that were left on one of the desks. Just as I was about done with that I heard the door open. I didn’t turn to face him. I don’t know why but I needed him to be the one to say something. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I felt physically incapable of it.

After what felt like a year I heard him clear his throat before softly saying “Hi Seungri.”

Turning around to face him I felt my heart drop to my stomach. Looking at his face, I saw his eyebrows drawn together in concern, and all I could think about was how perfect he looked. He had always been good looking, but being able to see him up close I was able to truly appreciate just how attractive he still is.

Before I had time to respond he continued on. “Listen I know things didn’t end well between us. And I know you only agreed to this because it was Daesung who asked you to. But I just wanted to say that I am so sorry about what happened between us. You do not know how utterly miserable I have been. I’m not trying to make excuses for anything. I just want this day to go as well as it possibly can”

After speaking he became quiet and looked at me. Waiting for my reaction, waiting for me to say something. I wanted so badly to go back to feeling the anger like when I first saw him this morning. I wanted nothing more than to keep acting cold and distant. I wanted to make him feel the same pain that I felt. But he was right. I had to admit it. He was right. This day was going to be long enough as it was, and being uncomfortable with each other would just make it worse.

“Let’s not talk about the past right now.” I said “In a couple of minutes the freshmen will be here so lets just try and make the most of this. Lets give them good advice and then at the end of the day we won’t have to see each other ever again. Does that work?”

Looking at his face I could see that he wanted to say more. Fortunately the freshmen started to slowly trickle in, saving me from having to have any other awkward conversations with Jiyong.

For the most part the morning portion of the day was going well. The students where hilarious. We spent so much time laughing and trading stories. They had some great questions. The asked about the typical things, good places to study, which professors to avoid, best spots to grab lunch. It was fun, the conversation between us all was flowing smoothly. Maybe it was because they all started feeling more comfortable around us because it was not long before Jiyong and I got asked if we knew each other well.

“You guys seem close! Did you know each other in college?”

“We did!” Jiyong answered smiling, without missing a beat. But I could see his smile was slightly strained. Not enough for the students to notice, but after spending years studying his face and reactions it was easy for me to tell. “We were very good friends!”

“How did you guys become friends? I think that’s something I’m nervous about! How do you make friends?”

“That is a really good question!” I replied taking control of the situation. “I was actually nervous about that too when I first started school. Jiyong and I met in the library but didn’t start being friends until we had a class together that next semester.”

As I began to tell the story I felt as though I was being transported back in time. Back to the moment that my life began to spiral out of control. To the moment where all of the pretty little plans I had for my life began to slowly crumble away. Until all that was left was Jiyong.

—————————————————————————————————

After that day in the library I didn’t see Jiyong again. I spent almost all of my free time in the library studying and getting homework done. To be honest, after a while I completely forgot about him, I had other things on my mind. I was determined to be the best student I could be. I was determined to get straight A’s, make a lot of friends, graduate, get a good job, meet a wonderful human to spend the rest of my life with, and live happily ever after.

The first semester was over and so far everything in my life was going according to plan. I ended my first semester getting all A’s. Now it was time to begin the second semester, it was time to get back to studying for countless hours and drinking my body weight in caffeine.

Entering the classroom that housed my first class of the semester, I almost stopped dead in my tracks. My handsome stranger from the library was sitting in the third row. I wasn’t sure if I should sit next to him or not. Would that be weird? I wasn’t even sure If he would remember me, considering i’ve only spoken to him the one time. Deciding that it might be more weird to pretend I didn’t remember him, I decided to head in his direction.

He didn’t seem to notice me as I made my way up to the third row. As I neared the seat I opened my mouth to say something. I don’t know what possessed me to say it. I was surprised when the words came out of mouth. It just seemed like the right thing to say at the time.

“Is this seat taken?”

I must have caught him by surprise. Because his head shot up and around to look at me. And after a brief second, his face lit up into a beautiful smile and laughter poured form his lips. His eyes were filled with light as they looked into mine. His shoulders relaxed and he wordlessly pulled the chair out next to him.

Taking his hint, I sat my bag down on the table and took a seat. Still chuckling, he turned to face me before saying.

“Seungri! Wow it has been a long time since I have seen you! Wait!” He said his face suddenly growing serious “Are we still friends? I just called you Seungri, and if I am remembering correctly only friends call you that.”

Slightly taken aback at the fact that he remembered who I was, it took a minute for my brain to catch up. Wow he seriously remembered that? Not only does he recognize me but he actually remembered the conversation we had? Thinking back I had to fight back the blush that was threatening to spread over my face. That was not one of my finest moments. I acted like such a fool when I first met him.

Once my brain was all caught up I laughed and replied with “I mean not much has changed, I still don’t know anything about you! But since you seem to be so interested, I guess we can be actual friends!”

“Well Seungri you are in luck! I am interested in being your actual friend!” He said while looking back towards the front of the classroom.

My brain completely stopped at his comment, and I started to get nervous. I was not the best when it came to making friends. I was a little awkward and hard to get to know. Once you knew me and I felt comfortable with you it was fine. But actually getting to that point was a little difficult for me. 

Realizing that at my silence he had turned his head to look at me, I quickly said “Well it’s a good thing we have this class together. We will see each other every week”

Satisfied that I began talking again he laughed, “Yes that is very true!” Continuing on he asked “What does your schedule look like for the rest of the day?”

“Well I don’t have any more classes after this, so i’ll probably just head to the library and get a head start on my studying for the week.”

“Do you always do your studying in the library?” He inquired.

“yeah” I hummed in replied.

“what do you think about going somewhere else on campus to study with me?” he asked. “I mean if we are going to be friends we may as well work together to pass this class don’t you think?”

Well this is not how I thought this conversation would go. I know I had said that I wanted to be friends with him, but that was mostly just code for ‘friends until the end of the semester’. Most of the time when you agree to be friends with someone in class, it almost always ends the same time the class does. I never thought of this as a negative thing. More along the lines of everyone ends up going their separate ways. But that wasn’t what I wanted to do. I wanted to get good grades and make friends and it was about time I started doing that.

“I mean yeah that sounds fine!” I answered. “Do you want to go right after class or meet up later?”

“We can just head there after class, do you have everything you need or do we need to stop by your place?”

“No I should be good to go right after class. I don’t live too far from campus in case I do need to grab anything.”

“Alright” he nodded just as the professor entered the room, setting his stuff down and immediately getting right into the lesson.

The lesson was boring. Boring was an understatement. It was unquestionably dull. The first class of any semester usually consists of going over the syllabus and class expectations. Now sometimes you got a real cool professor who lets you go after going over the rules. This professor however, decided that no time should go to waste, so here we were jumping right into chapter one.

After what seemed like an eternity class finally ended. Breathing a sigh of relief I began to pack up my stuff nodding at Jiyong as I did.

“So where are we going?” I inquired.

Looking back at me as he lead the way, Jiyong threw over his shoulder. “It’s this little field like area over by University Center. It has these little picnic tables, and a water fountain, it’s really pretty. I think you’ll like it.”

“sounds nice!” I observed. We walked the rest of the way in silence. When we finally reached our destination I was completely taken aback. Pretty was an understatement. It was absolutely breathtaking. I had never been to this part of campus before and I was surprised to see that it looked relatively empty.  
Jiyong was right, there were picnic tables and a water fountain, but the field he talked about was a long stretch of grass with countless tress, and bushes, and flowers. The sun was shining brightly, with no clouds in the sky. There was a slight warm breeze and the sound of the birds chirping was filling my head. It was truly one of the most serene and peaceful places I have ever been. It didn’t seem like we were on a college campus anymore. It seemed like we were miles away from town, in our own little hideaway.

“wow” I breathed. Unable to fully put my thoughts into words.

Turning my head I could see Jiyong staring at me, a peaceful smile lighting up his face.

“It’s amazing isn’t it?” he beamed. “I actually found it the same day I met you at the library last semester. I was walking home and decided to see if I could find a short cut. I just kind of stumbled upon it.”

“It truly is” I mumbled as I shook my head, trying to bring my focus back to the person standing next to me.

“Yeah and I guess I kinda felt a little bad, I’ve been studying here since then and you’ve been cooped up in the library. So now we can both use this place to study. It can be our place.” he finished starring at my face, trying to gage my reaction to his words.

I felt beyond grateful to him. This was nothing like how I thought It would be. I was expecting a little patch of grass and a single table. But looking around I could almost see it. I could almost see coming here with Jiyong and studying. I could see us hanging out here when the stress of finals felt like it was becoming too much. When life seemed like too much to deal with. I didn’t know why, but I could almost feel how important this place would become to me. 

“Our place?” I finally acknowledged. “I like the sound of that. Our own little place to study.” I smiled trying to covey all of the gratitude I felt in that moment. Letting the silence speak all the things I was thinking but couldn’t put into words.

“Im glad you like it” He said after a minute, effectively breaking the silence and bubble I was in.

“Should we start studying?” he asked “I heard that this professor gives out pop quizzes on the second day of class to see who is actually taking the class seriously and I do not want to get on his bad side”

“Of course” I replied chuckling. We made out way over to a table and got our books our of our bags. We studied for a couple hours. We worked well together. Jiyong, I was noticing, got easily distracted. But with a little prompting, it was easy to get him back on track. Once we both felt that we were sufficiently prepared in case of a pop quiz, we began to pack up our things.  
Once we were ready to leave I took one last look at what I have decided to refer to as our hideaway. The sun was setting, the reddish orange light spreading over the grass and trees making it look like a scene straight out of a movie.

Turning around, I followed Jiyong back to campus. Starting at his blonde hair as we walked in silence.


	4. Melt

After giving the freshmen a couple last pieces of advice it was time to take a break for lunch. Jiyong and I waited until all of the students had left the room before silently tidying up. Once all of the papers had been organized and set up for the afternoon section of the day, I finally allowed myself to look at him. He was starting at me, his eyes burning a hole in mine, I suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable. He opened his mouth to speak but before he could say anything the classroom door burst open.

“Hey you two! How is it going so far? Our groups have been pretty amazing! We thought you guys might want to have lunch with us!” Daesung’s excited voice pierced through the tense atmosphere of the room. Turning to look at him I could see the excitement rolling off his body in waves. Just over his shoulder I could see Seunghyun, with his arms folded across his chest and a small smile playing on his face as he observed Daesung. My heart ached at the sight. It has been a while since someone looked at me that way.

Feeling somewhat grateful for the interruption, I quickly nodded my head. “Yeah of course, that sounds great” my voice coming out slightly strained.

It seemed as though Seunghyun was beginning to pick up on the heavy feeling in the room. “Well why don’t you and Jiyong meet us there in like 15 minutes? Daesung and I were thinking of trying this new little place over by the nursing building. Our students said it was really good.”

Feeling apprehensive about being left alone in the room with Jiyong, but knowing we needed to talk I simply nodded my head in agreement.

As soon as the door of the classroom closed I heard Jiyong clear his throat, waiting for me to give him my attention.

Turning around I realized that he had taken a few steps closer to me. I was suddenly overwhelmed by his close proximity. His scent was clouding my brain.

“I went there this morning.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper. “To our hideaway. It still looks the same. Although there were a lot more people there. So I guess everyone started to realized how great of a place it is.”

He stood still, looking at me. Waiting for me to say something. It was in that moment that it happened. My brain cleared from the fog that his closeness had brought upon me. I had spent this entire morning at a loss of what to say to him. I had felt overwhelmed by his presence all day and it annoyed me. I felt the anger from this morning begin to fill my heart once again.

Letting out a short laugh, I looked straight into his eyes. “What do you want me to say? That I’m glad you went there? Good job Jiyong, I’m glad you can still walk.” My voice dripped with sarcasm.  
His eyes widened in shock just like this morning. Not caring I continued on, “What? Did you think that you would tell me that and then we would sit around talking about the good times? We would laugh and joke about college and how in love we were? I don’t know if you remember Jiyong, but you completely destroyed me. So excuse me if I would rather not reminisce with you right now.”

“I remember” he said, his eyes growing dark. “Trust me, I remember.”

We were both breathing heavy at this point. Both filled with emotions we didn’t know how to express. Shaking my head I could only think about how insane it was that my life ended up the way it did. If I had never met him, would my life have gone according to my plan? Would I be married with a cute house and family right now?

Maybe.

As soon as that thought came into my head, I felt the anger fade, as quick as it came. 

“Are you eating lunch with us?” I finally asked, ready to be done with this conversation, feeling emotionally drained. “I may not like you right now.” I continued. “But if you want to eat lunch with us you can.”

We looked at each other for a minute before he held out his hand towards the door. “Lead the way.”

We walked in silence, which I was grateful for. It gave me a chance to think. What would my life be like if I never met Kwon Jiyong. Would I have met and married someone else? Would I have loved him as much as I had loved my blonde stranger?

Honestly?

It seemed unlikely. I had always believed that Jiyong was the one true love of my life. I, perhaps blindly, thought that he was my soulmate. The person I would spend the rest of my life with. Is that how loved worked? Do you somehow get assigned one true love when you're born and then it’s up to you to make it work?

Did we not work hard enough to keep the love alive? Were we to young to understand the intensity of the love we had? Did we throw it away to easily? Did I lose my one chance at a happily ever after?

As we continued walking in silence towards the nursing building I pushed those depressing thoughts out of head. I deserved to be in love again, I deserved to be happy. I was just going to have to be patient.

We eventually made it to the cafe that Daesung and Seunghyun were telling us about. It was cute. It had a simple, modern, college feel to it. When we entered the building I could already see the other two sitting at a table, looking completely immersed in their conversation. Their eyes were locked on one another, oblivious to anything else going on. It seemed Daesung might just be getting his chance. I was happy for him.

“They look good together” Jiyong remarked. Clearly seeing how absorbed the two were with each other.

“They do don’t they?” I grinned. “Ya know Daesung has been crushing on Seunghyun since college. The three of us had a class together. Daesung barely passed the class he was so busy staring at Seunghyun. It was kinda cute.”

Jiyong simply laughed in response. Once we reached the table and took our seats Jiyong and Seunghyun began talking. Looking at Daesung over the top of my menu I raised my eyebrow knowingly at him. His eyes widened and a blush began to form on his face.

“So!” I started suddenly feeling a little mischievous . “How was your morning so far? I mean you guys looked like you were having a pretty good conversation when we walked in.”

To my surprise Jiyong suddenly chimed in. “Yeah you guys sure did! Did I see you two holding hands?”

“Man I think you're right Jiyong! I definitely saw some hand holding going on” I joked.

The two love birds just stared at us blankly for a moment before they both broke out into laughter. It wasn’t long before Jiyong and I joined in.

And that is how we spent our lunch, laughing and trading stories. It felt good to be laughing like this, to feel completely at ease. The anger and annoyance that had filled up most of my day was now nowhere in sight.

All good things must end though, it was time to go back to the classroom, to finish off the rest of the day. After paying for our meals we began the trek back to our rooms. We were about halfway there when Daesung suddenly remembered that he forgotten his wallet on the table at the restaurant. Seunghyun walked him back as Jiyong and I continued on our way. It was a comfortable silence, there seemed to be a mutual, unspoken agreement between us since lunch. We were going to be friendly with each other.

It couldn’t have been more than two minutes later when the once blue and clear sky opened up and rain began to fall. Both Jiyong and I looked at each other with wide eyes. Gasping we simultaneously made a run for the building. By the time we reached our destination we were soaking wet, completely out of breath, but still managing to laugh at our unfortunate situation. We collapsed against the wall, our shoes making loud screeching sounds in the otherwise quiet building.

“How did this happen?” I managed to say after catching my breath. “I didn’t think it was supposed to rain today!”

“I didn’t think it was supposed to either!” Jiyong laughed while shaking his head, causing little droplets of water to land on me.

“Hey! Be careful!” I said as I reached over and playfully pushed his shoulder.

Looking at me he raised an eyebrow. “What? You think that little bit of water is gonna do damage?” He turned his whole body towards me, locked eyes with me and breathed “Are you going to melt?”

He was being bold. It was a bold move bringing up something from our past. It hadn’t exactly gone well before lunch. But he was taking a chance, and as much as it pained me, I had to give him props for it.

Deciding that he was not the only one who could be bold I kept my eyes locked on his and said “You know damn well I won’t melt”

—————————————————————————————————

Jiyong and I have been going to our little hideaway almost daily to study. It had become somewhat of a ritual for us. We would head there right after both our classes ended, we would take turns bringing dinner, and we would study into the late hours of the night.

I found it oddly relaxing to spend so much time with him. He is a very interesting guy. I feel as though I learn new things about him every time I met up with him. I knew he preferred to eat plain sandwiches for our nightly dinners, he hated having to sit still for long periods of time so we often had to stop for a stretch break, I knew he hated his biology class but enjoyed his technology class, when he was frustrated he would huff and raise an eyebrow at his computer, and when he was embarrassed he covered his face and turned away. I knew he wanted to start a nonprofit to give kids access to music and the arts and that is why he works so hard in school. 

He was cute. He was more than cute, he was insanely attractive and a genuinely wonderful human. He cared about everyone and everything, and I knew that some day he was going to change the world. And if I was being honest with myself I was pretty sure I was developing a crush and my new study buddy. I couldn’t help it though, the more I got to know him the more I wanted to spend every second with him. At first I just tried to chalk it up to being excited that I made a new friend but after weeks of meeting up daily for our study sessions I knew there was more to it than that.

I had no idea what to do about it though. I was definitely not the only person who found him attractive. On the rare occasion that there was someone else in our little hideaway they could not seem to take their eyes off him. I got it, I understood how they felt. When Jiyong walked into a room, or anywhere for that matter, the entire mood shifted. Jiyong suddenly became the center of attention, everyone sort of gravitated toward him.

Jiyong wasn’t oblivious to it though. He knew people found him attractive. We had just began our study session when another student walked by. He was staring so intently at Jiyong that he smacked into a tree. I’m talking literally walked straight into a tree. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or make sure he was ok. Judging by the way the guy got up and practically sprinted away I was going to assume that he was fine.

Looking over at Jiyong and I was prepared to make some comment but the look on his face stopped me. He looked upset about what just happened.

“It’s annoying” He said, still staring at the tree that the student ran into.

“Having people think you’re attractive is annoying?” I asked, not being able to stop the incredulous tone of my voice.

“Yeah it really is.” He said simply. “Everyone thinks it must be so nice to have all of this attention, to have everyone want you. And it is, for a little while. But no one actually wants to get to know me. They just want to be able to say they are dating some hot dude.”

He got up and took a couple steps away from the table. “They don’t care about what I like, they don’t want to know about my dreams and goals, they don’t care about me.”

He looked so sad and discouraged and I instantly felt my heart clench at the sight. I hated seeing him like that. There was absolutely no reason he should ever look or feel this sad. I was filled with the undeniable urge to make him feel better, to try and put a smile on his face, to do something.

I took a deep breath and got up from the table. I took a couple steps toward him until we were standing side by side looking out at the field that stretched before us.

Gathering all of the courage I had, I reached over and grabbed his hand. I was prepared for the worst. I was fully prepared for him to yank his hand away and spit insults at me. I was prepared for him to grab his things and storm away. I was prepared to lose my friend.

But he didn’t do any of that, instead I felt his hand grip mine back tightly. My breath caught in my throat and I was left unable to form any of my thoughts into words.

We stood in silence for a minute, holding hands while I tried to find my voice.

“I care about you” I finally voiced turning my head to look at my beautiful blond stranger.

“I care about you too Seungri” He echoed still looking out at the open field.

I wasn’t sure what to say after that, I wasn’t sure there was anything left to say. So we just stood in silence hand in hand taking in the beautiful view of our little hideaway.

I don’t know how long we stood like that, long enough that I was beginning to lose feeling in my hand.

“Seungri” I looked over to meet Jiyong’s stare. “Do you want to go out with me sometime? Like on a date?”

There was something about the way he looked at me, like he was unsure about what he just said. Almost as if he was nervous about hearing my answer.

“I would love to.” I smiled at him.

My head soon began to fill with worry. Was he only asking because he was feeling lonely? Was it because he thought no one cared about him as a person, and I jumped in saying I did? I had no idea what was going on in his head. We had never flirted with each other, or had any type of romantic contact. This date seemed to be coming out of nowhere. Like it was rushed and not thought out.

Before I could voice my concerns, the wind, which had been blowing all day, began to pick up speed. I glanced over at Jiyong to find that he was already looking at me. He turned his body towards me, and my body matched his movements. The air felt electrified in that moment. We were in a trance. I could practically hear my heart beating faster in my chest as Jiyong slowly stepped closer to me, keeping our hands intertwined. 

He opened his mouth to say something, and in that exact instant, the sky opened up and rain poured down on us.

The falling rain broke us out of whatever trance we were in. Gasping I immediately turned away preparing to run for cover.

Instead Jiyong’s hand tighten on mine, pulling me back to him. Looking at him, my face clearly showing my confusion. “Jiyong it’s raining! We are going to get soaked! Let’s go!” I tugged on his hand. But he held me firmly in my place.

“I love the rain” He said, a brilliant smile breaking out on his face as he titled his head up towards the sky.

Directing his attention back to me, a smile still resting beautifully on his face, he leaned closer to me, until our noses were almost touching.

“You don’t like the rain?” He asked, continuing on before I could answer. “Are you going to melt?”

I could see the mischief swirling in his eyes as he waited for my response.

I responded in the only way I found appropriate. I kissed him. I quickly closed the distance between our lips and kissed him. In the middle of out little hideaway, with rain pouring down on us, I kissed him.

It was magical, and overwhelming, and beautiful, and everything I could have wished for it to be.


	5. Clearly

“I’m not going to kiss you.” I said, eyes still locked with Jiyong’s. 

“Yeah I could have guessed as much.” He mused while leaning back against the wall. A smile on his face and his eyes closed still seeming lost in the memory. 

“I can’t believe you asked me out on a date.” I laughed, leaning my head back against the wall, mirroring his movements. 

His head snapped towards me at the comment, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “Why?” 

Glancing over at him I confessed. “Well it just felt like it was so random. We were pretty good friends back then, but you never gave any hints that you wanted more. And then all of the sudden you asked me out. It was a little strange.” 

“Huh, you never told me that before.” he mumbled before taking up his original position of leaning his head against the wall behind him. “I guess I never thought of it that way” 

We sat in a silence, just listening to the rain falling outside. It was a comfortable silence. It wasn’t uneasy or tense. It was nice. It was nothing like how I thought it would be.

Ever since Jiyong and I had broken up, I spent countless hours wondering what it would be like when I saw him again.

When we first broke up I imagined us bumping into each other at the grocery store. He would look at me and tears would fill his eyes and he would confess his undying love for me right the middle of the produce section. We would fall into each others arms and kiss and go back to living happily ever after. 

Once my broken heart started to mend a little more, the scenario changed. We wouldn't meet in the grocery store, but rather a park. But this time I wouldn't be alone. I would be hand in hand with some incredible, attractive, and successful man. When Jiyong noticed us his face would collapse at the sheer despair he felt. I wanted him to miss me. I wanted nothing more than for him to understand that he lost the only real love of his life, and to know that no matter how much he apologized I would not take him back. I wanted him to know that I had moved on. 

The truth is, I had never moved on from Jiyong, not completely anyway. Before today I didn’t dwell to much on the past. I was slowly moving on. I went on the occasional date and I thought of him less and less as the days passed. Then one day I woke up and realized that it just didn’t hurt as bad as it used to. I got comfortable with the life I was living. 

Then today happened. It seemed as if the universe was trying to tell me that I was not done with Jiyong yet. Because as I sat there next to him, his black hair flopped over his forehead, still dripping with water, his eyes lightly closed, looking so completely relaxed, it began to hurt again. I felt the wall I had around my heart begin to slowly chip away. 

“It wasn't random to me.” He said eyes still closed as if he knew I was looking at him. “I guess I was never obvious about it, but ever since the first time I met you, back in the library I had been trying to think of a way to ask you out.” 

I must have made some kind of surprised noise because he suddenly opened his eyes and turned his head toward me. “Then you walked into my class and you sat down next to me and it truly felt like fate.” 

“yeah well I’m surprised you wanted a second date after the disaster that was our first one.” I said with a chuckle trying to lighten the mood a little. 

It seemed to do the trick, Jiyong laughed as he said “Oh man that was a disaster!” 

—————————————————————————————————

I just kissed Kwon Jiyong. One of my only friends. I just kissed him. He asked me out on a date and I kissed him. 

It had been a couple hours since the kiss and I was back in the safety of my dry, warm apartment. As soon as we came down from our high we were left shivering and completely soaked. We made a quick work of gathering all of our belongings and heading to our respected apartments. 

We walked hand in hand until we reached to spot where we had to go our separate ways. We turned to look at each other, both seeming a little uncomfortable. 

“So…would tomorrow be to soon for our date?” He asked. “I mean, that is if you still want to go.” 

“Tomorrow sounds perfect, should we meet somewhere? or I can pick you up if you want?” I awkwardly mumbled, not sure what to say or do in this kind of situation. 

“How about we meet somewhere? I’m not sure where, I’ll have to think about where to take you. But I’ll text you all the details tomorrow?” 

“Yeah that sounds good to me” 

“Ok good” He paused for a second then leaned down and quickly pecked my lips. He then smiled at me as he turned and walked away. 

I slept that night with dreams of my blond stranger playing in my head. I awoke the next morning with a notification on my phone from Jiyong, a text containing details for our date tonight. 

Our date. Just the thought brought a goofy smile to my face. Typing out a quick reply, I set my phone down and began the process of getting ready. I wanted this date to be perfect. 

I took a nice warm shower in an effort to relax. I took special care in drying and styling my hair up and off of my face. Jiyong hadn’t given to much detail about where we were going, just where we would be meeting.

With the limited information I had, I decided to dress up a little bit. Typically during the school week I wore plain clothes. A solid colored shirt and some jeans. But I wanted tonight to be special. I wanted to impress Jiyong. So I pulled on a pair of ripped black jeans and a caramel colored sweater. 

Once I was satisfied that I was looking pretty good. I went out into the living room of my apartment and into the kitchen to get some coffee, and a head start on some work that I wanted to get done before going out tonight. 

When the time finally came to meet him, I was a ball of nerves. I felt sick to my stomach and was a second away from bailing. I stood in our designated meeting spot, and I’m pretty sure I looked as uncomfortable as I felt. Was it supposed to feel so weird? I mean, I know I haven't been on a date in a while but I don't remember it feeling this weird. 

Just as I was about to let my nerves get the best of me, I saw Jiyong making his way towards me. My heart stopped in my chest. His blond hair was styled neatly on his head, a blue and back checkered button up clung to his body. 

And then I noticed it, we were definitely wearing the same pants. Chuckling to myself I shook my head. I was right, this is going to be awkward. 

“Nice pants” I chuckled in an attempt to sound nonchalant. Seeing him stand before me wearing the exact same article of clothing, but making it look so much better, was a little strange to see 

“Yeah apparently I’m not the only one that thought so” He said, a shy smile on his face. 

“Clearly” I said gesturing to myself, ignoring the way his eyes lingered on my body for just a second too long. “should we head out then?” 

“Yeah absolutely” Jiyong shook his head. “So I was thinking we could go to this nice Italian place just outside of campus. It’s only about a ten minute walk. Is that ok?”   
“Yeah that sounds fine! Lead the way!” I replied. 

The walk to the restaurant was ordinary enough. We talked about classes and all of the typical things. How our class projects were going, how annoying some of our other professors were, the dumb questions our fellow classmates would ask. It was nice. Slowly I felt the nerves disappear. This felt normal, just Jiyong and I enjoying our time together, the expectations I felt earlier to be perfect were gone. 

When we made it the restaurant we were immediately seated. Looking over the menu I suddenly felt my stomach rumble. Everything looked absolutely delicious.

“Do yo know what you're going to get?” I looked up at Jiyong’s question. 

“Yeah I think I am just going to go simple. See how their alfredo is. What about you?” I countered. 

“I was thinking about getting the ravioli, its been a while since I’ve had them.” He smiled at me over the top of the menu. 

“Do you come to this place often?” I asked while lowering my eyes back down to my menu. 

“I used to. I grew up around here, it’s one of the only nice Italian places nearby. My ex and I used to come here all the time..” My eyes shot up to look at him. His eyes were opened wide, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at his menu as his questioning what just came out of his mouth. After a brief moment he slowly raised his head, his eyes making contact with mine. 

“That was a weird thing to say wasn’t it?” He chuckled nervously, looking extremely unsure of himself. “I have no idea why I would mention him. It is typically frowned upon to mention an ex boyfriend when you're on a first date with someone new. I am so sorry about that” 

I suddenly felt the nerves from earlier come back full force. Logically I knew that Jiyong had dated other guys, I mean we had talked about a couple of them during our study dates, but that was when everything between Jiyong and I was platonic. Now that our relationship was becoming more romantic it felt weird hearing it. Which made no sense at all to me. 

“No I get it!” I blurted out. “I know you dated other people Jiyong, it’s fine if you want to talk about them!” I smiled trying to convince not only him but also myself that I was ok with it. 

“No!” He exclaimed. “I don’t want to talk about them. I want to talk about you! I want to talk about us!” he paused for a second his eyes searching mine. 

“Listen” He said shaking his head, clearly trying to clear his thoughts. “That was all in the past. I don’t wanna be in the past right now.” He reached across the table to grab my hand. “I wanna be in the present, with you, in this restaurant, on our first date.” He ended with a smile. 

My stomach was being assaulted by butterflies, I had never felt this way about anyone before and it honestly scared me. I wanted this date to be perfect so bad, and I was starting to overthink everything. The heat from his hand was radiating through my entire body, making me feel hot and sweaty. My breath sped up and my eyes were darting everywhere in an attempt to avoid his stare. I needed to bail. I needed a minute to get my head on straight. 

Taking my hand out of his I managed to stutter out that I was going to use the bathroom. I slid my chair out from the table, creating a loud screeching noise as I stood. What I did not know, was that a waiter was walking toward us with an order for the table next to ours. I could see that he had tried to stop in time, but he lost his balance and all I could see was a plate of spaghetti fly towards me. Suddenly I was covered in pasta. My eyes widened, and I let out a chocked gasp. 

“Oh my gosh!” I head Jiyong gasp from the other side of the table. “Seungri, are you ok?” 

Clearly I wasn’t. I had marinara sauce dripping down the front of my sweater. Nothing about this was ok. 

“I’ve been better” I whispered. Starting down at my ruined sweater, not sure what to do next. 

“Ok, well maybe we should leave. You have sauce all over you.”

“Clearly” I said, gesturing to myself for the second time that night with a laugh. 

“Right! That was a stupid comment! Alright lets get out of here” Jiyong said while leading me out of the restaurant and back towards campus. 

We didn’t talk much on the way back choosing to breath in the fresh air and take in the night sky. 

Once we made it back to our designated meeting spot Jiyong grabbed my hand and turned me toward him. 

“So I know tonight wasn’t exactly perfect, in fact I would say it was far far from perfect. But I’m hoping you’ll give me, give us, a second chance at this. I really do like you Seungri, and I think we could have something special” 

I still felt nervous, it still felt odd, but he was right. This date was far from perfect, but maybe there was something special between us. I just needed to relax and let fate do it’s thing. 

“Of course I’ll give us a second chance.” I breathed feeling my lips tilt up in a smile. 

“Good!” Jiyong exclaims. “I’ll see you tomorrow for our study date?”

“Of course! I’ll be there!” I replied laughing as I turned around to head to my apartment. 

The next day came, I attended class as usual, and as usual after my last class I got ready to meet up with Jiyong for our study date. As soon as I stepped into the clearing, my eyes widened in surprise. Jiyong was standing in front of a blanket laid out on the ground, with two to-go containers laid out on top. He was wearing the same clothes as last night. There were candles laid out around the blanket, and soft music was coming from his phone. 

“So I was thinking last night, about the absolute disaster of a date we had, and how nervous you looked, and how nervous I felt. And I decided that maybe we were trying too hard ya know? We hang out here everyday and it’s not awkward or uncomfortable at all. So I decided that this seemed like a good place for our second attempt at a first date.” 

Walking over to Jiyong I stood in front of him and took his hands in mine. The anxiety and nerves I had felt all last night were gone. How in the world did I get lucky enough to have this incredible human want to stand by my side? 

“This is absolutely perfect” I whispered, bringing my face closer to his sliding my hands up to his shoulders. I could feel his hands wrap around my waist. I couldn’t contain the smile that broke out on my face. 

“I’m going to kiss you.” He whispered back. Lowering his face the short distance between our lips. 

Our lips fit together perfectly, moving effortlessly against each other. Every time he kissed me it felt like time stood still. Like there wasn’t anyone else in this world but the two of us. 

Breaking this kiss, Jiyong leaned his forehead against mine, breathing heavily. “We should eat before it gets cold. I spent a lot of time setting this all up.” He said gesturing towards the blanket. 

“Clearly” I said taking my seat next to him. We ate and talked and kissed and pretty soon night time was upon us. As I sat there with Jiyong staring at the stars above us all I could think about was how perfect this first date was. 

—————————————————————————————————

“Do you want to go to that Italian place for dinner tonight? We could invite Daesung and Seunghyun. We still have half a day with the freshmen and it might be a nice way to unwind afterwards.” Jiyong questioned after his laughter died down. 

Did I want to go to dinner with Jiyong? Was it a good idea? Was it just going to lead to more heartbreak? These questions swirled in my head as I tried to come up with an answer. 

“Yeah I think I would like that.” I answered. Deciding in the end to let fate handle things from here on out. 

“Great!” Jiyong said, moving to stand up. “We should probably get back to our classroom before the students come in.” 

“Yeah you’re probably right.” I answered, standing up smiling at Jiyong as we made our way to our classroom.


	6. One Night

The rest of the day went by smoothly enough with the freshmen. I could tell towards the end that everyone was ready to call it quits, myself included. 

It had been a relatively good day, seeing Jiyong went better than I thought it would. I was fully prepared for this day to be an absolute disaster, filled with nothing but arguments and hurt feelings. Instead it was spent with some good friends, some incredible students and a few good memories. 

At the end of the day, after sign out, all of the alumni were ushered into the meeting room for a quick wrap up. Jiyong nervously shuffled into the seat next to mine. 

We were thanked for our dedication to the students, we were told about other opportunities we might be able to help with later in the year and to keep an eye out for an email containing details. 

Then it was done. 

Jiyong and I made our way towards the Italian restaurant where we had our terrible first date, Daesung and Seunghyun opting to go their own way for dinner. 

It was comfortable walking side by side with Jiyong, our hands occasionally brushing sent butterflies swarming my stomach. It felt nostalgic. 

“I can’t believe you got covered in pasta the first time we came here.” Jiyong chuckled, sending a small smile my way. 

Shaking my head with a short laugh I replied. “Yeah that was definitely shitty. I seriously don’t think I’ve ever been on a worse date before or after.”

“Do you date often?” The question caught me off guard. Did he expect me to never date again? 

“Sometimes” I started. “I’ve gone on dates and had some flings but nothing that has lasted more than a month or two.”

“Why not?” his reply was quick. 

“What do you mean?” I questioned, not understanding what he was trying to ask me. 

“Why didn’t they last longer than a month?” He clarified as we reached the restaurant. 

My answer was cut off by the host leading us to our table and handing us menus to look over. I though that would be the end of it, as we started looking over menus and giving our orders. 

I should have known that Jiyong would’t give it up.

“So…why didn’t they last longer than a month?” 

“I don’t know” I signed, looking up at Jiyong’s expectant face. “There wasn’t one particular reason. It was different for different people.” 

“Like what?” He replied without missing a beat. 

“What?” I replied feeling surprised that he was being so insistent. “You want me to go through every guy I dated after you and tell you why we broke up?” 

“I do.” He leaned back in his chair, his eyes never leaving mine. “Because I know I fucked up with you when we were together, but the fact that someone else hasn’t locked you down is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve heard. You shouldn’t be single.” 

“You’re being ridiculous” I whispered, suddenly finding my glass of water to be incredibly interesting. 

“I’m not. You shouldn’t be. To be honest I shouldn’t be either.” Jiyong said. 

Lifting my head I couldn't help but laughed at the overwhelming confidence the man before me had. He was right about part of it though. Jiyong shouldn’t be single. It didn’t work out with us, we got messed up and weren’t able to fix it, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t an amazing person. He was. Probably still is. 

“I should be with you.” Jiyong whispered, looking nervously over at me. 

“Jiyong.” I started, taking a deep breath. “We shouldn’t do this.” 

“Do what?” Jiyong shot back at me. “We’re just talking Seungri. We never got the chance to talk.” 

“You want to talk?” I finally asked after a moment of consideration. He was right, we hadn't ever really talked after our breakup. There was a bunch of screaming and tears, but as soon as I had left our shared apartment with a bag of clothes, I deleted his number and never spoke to him again. 

“Yes.” Jiyong pleaded. “I just want to talk Seungri.” 

“Ok.” I said after careful consideration. “We can talk, but I’m gonna need some wine first.”

“Of course.” Jiyong said quickly, immediately looking around for a server. His voice took on a more nervous tone as he asked. “Do you still like red? I know you used to drink red when we used to go out.” 

“Yes red is fine, I’ll drink pretty much anything.” I quietly laughed, finding it slightly endearing that Jiyong was questioning himself. Despite us not being together anymore, he still knew everything about me.

That was a strange thought, that someone I have had no contact with for years, knows so much information about me. He knows my deepest secrets and insecurities. He knows more about me than I probably do about myself.

“I’m sorry.” Jiyong began once the wine had been dropped off at the table. “About that night. I was drunk, and I was upset, and I said things I shouldn’t have. I did some things I shouldn't have.”

I felt my heart twinge at his words, and I took a deep, unsteady breath. When I woke up this morning I did not imagine that this was how my day was going to go. I never thought I would be sitting across from Jiyong, feeling heartbreak almost as fresh as that night two years ago. 

“I…I want to forgive you. Trust me Jiyong, nothing would bring me more happiness than to just forgive you and leave that whole night in the past.” I paused, downing the rest of the wine that was in my glass, immediately refilling it. 

“But god, the things you said to me that night. I don't know how I’m supposed to just forgive you. I don't know how Jiyong.” I finished, voice low. 

It was Jiyong’s turn now to take a deep, unsteady breath. I watched as he grabbed the wine bottle with shaking hands, and filled up his own glass, downing half of it in three long gulps. 

“Damn, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.” Jiyong laughed, cold, and humorless.

“You thought it would be easy?” I chuckled lightly, swirling the wine around my glass. 

Jiyong’s head snapped up to face me, the raw emotion I saw swirling in his eyes took my breath away

“I knew it wouldn't be easy.” He whispered, his voice uncharacteristically hoarse. “I just didn’t expect it to hurt this fucking bad.” 

I was at a loss for words. Jiyong very rarely showed any signs of vulnerability, so to see him sitting there, looking up at me with glassy eyes, I couldn’t help but feel more of the wall around my heart break apart. 

“It fucking hurts.” He continued on, his voice staying quiet. “And now you hate me and can’t forgive me and this whole situation is just so fucked up and I just don’t know what to do Seungri. What do I do? How do I fix this?” 

“I don’t hate you.” I said as I leaned forward to grab Jiyong’s hand. I ignored the shocked expression on his face and the heartbreak sitting heavy in my chest, as I threaded our fingers together. “I could never hate you. I wish I had the answers to all of this, I really do. But I don’t know Jiyong, I truly don’t know.” 

The sheer disappointment on Jiyong’s face was enough to have me rushing to continue. “But I’m willing to try Jiyong. I can’t promise that I’ll love you again, or even want to date you again. But I’m willing to try and forgive you. And maybe if everything goes according to plan, maybe we can be friends again.” 

“Friends?” Jiyong asks quietly, moving to untangle our hands. I sighed as I watched him drop his hand back into his lap, leaving mine alone on the table. 

“That’s all I can give you right now.” 

“I’ll take it.” Jiyong smiled at me, the sadness still evident in his eyes. “Let’s drink. To our hopeful friendship.” 

I laughed, a smile breaking across my face. The tightness in my chest lessening. “To our hopeful friendship!” 

After a couple of hours and a few bottles of wine, I could feel the buzz of the alcohol blurring my thoughts just slightly.

“Damn Seungri!! Do you remember when we were in college? Man, we used to get drunk all the time! I can’t even tell you the last time I had more than one glass of wine!!” 

I couldn’t help the giggle that slipped through my lips as Jiyong came up behind me and slung his arm around my shoulders. 

Shrugging him off I turned to face him walking backward as I laughed. “Well, Jiyong some of us aren't all old and shit and actually still know how to have a good time!” 

Gasping Jiyong reached out and pushed my chest. “I resent that!! I still know how to have a good time!” 

“Oh yeah?” I questioned, smirking at him as I returned to walk by his side as we made our way through campus, purposely bumping our shoulders together. 

“Yeah! You don’t need to be drunk to have a good time!” Jiyong answered, grabbing my hand to lead us somewhere. 

“It feels weird to be walking around our old college after like we just drank our body weight in wine.” I laughed, feeling unexpectedly light as I walked hand in hand with Jiyong. It felt like old times. 

“Do you remember how much fun we used to have Seungri?” Jiyong asked as he led us to our little hideaway. 

Letting go of his hand I laughed as I took in out little hideaway for the first time since being back on campus. It looked just like it did when I first saw it all those years ago. It’s beauty was still overwhelming to me. And perhaps it was the alcohol or just the stress of the day, but as I stood there taking in the sight of the field stretched out before me I couldn’t help but tear up a little. 

It was well into the night at this point, so there was no one else around, just Jiyong and I. 

“We did use to have a lot of fun didn’t we?” I asked, turning to look at Jiyong as he stood with his arms crossed with a smile on his face, watching me. 

“Lots of fun.” Jiyong smirked at me.

“Don’t be dirty.” I laughed as I watched Jiyong walk towards me slowly. “It’s not cute.”  
I turned around to face the field again. 

“Not cute huh?” I felt Jiyong slip his arms around my waist, my breathing coming to a halt. “You used to think it was real cute.” Jiyong’s lips ghosted over my neck, leaving goosebumps in their wake. 

“Yeah I did. In the past. Not the present.” I replied, silently scolding myself at how shaky and breathy my voice sounded. 

“If you don't want this I’ll stop” Jiyong said, his voice turning completely serious as he loosened his grip around my waist. 

It was the alcohol. It had to of been. There was no other logical reason for my next actions. 

My hands came down to grab Jiyong’s retreating arms. I held them still for a moment, the silence somehow deafening. 

Turning around in Jiyong’s arms, I brought mine up to rest around his shoulders, Jiyong watched me with questioning eyes. 

Taking a deep breath I took a second to send a quick prayer that I would not regret the words I was about to say. 

“Just for one night.”


	7. I'll see you in my dreams

I panted as we stumbled into Jiyong’s apartment, latching my lips back to his as he closed the door and spun us around to push me against it. 

A gasped escaped my mouth as Jiyong moved down to kiss my neck. A heat started to build in the pit of my stomach and my heart sped up. It had been so long since the last time Jiyong and I had been together like this.  

“God Seungri, are we really doing this baby?” Jiyong asked, as his nose skimmed up the side of my neck. 

“Unless you want to stop.” I breathed. I let my fingers thread through his hair as I willed my heart to slow down. 

“Nope. Definitely don’t want to stop.” Jiyong whispered against my neck, his lips leaving my skin just long enough to move my shirt up and over my head. 

I gasped as Jiyong attacked the now exposed skin of my chest, leaving little hickeys as he lowered himself to his knees in front of me. I shivered as I felt his breath fan across the skin of my stomach, making it clench in anticipation. 

My breath caught as I felt his hands fumbling with the button on my pants. It wasn’t long before Jiyong’s shaking hands caught my attention. 

“Jiyong.” I whispered my breath coming fast. I lowered my hands to grab his. “You’re shaking.” 

“Yeah.” He whispered back, leaning to rest his face against my stomach. “Sorry about that.” 

“This was a mistake, wasn’t it?” I asked after a minute, my whispered voice being the only sound filling the suddenly tense atmosphere. 

I watched as all of the energy left Jiyong as he exhaled harshly, his warm breath tickling the bare skin of my stomach. 

“Nothing with you is ever a mistake Seungri.” He said, leaning over to softly kiss the skin of my hip. “But maybe this is happening a little fast.” 

“Maybe it is.” I echoed as I used my grip on his hands to pull him to his feet, pausing to pull my shirt back on. The alcohol having completely left our systems at this point. 

Jiyong dropped one of my hands, but kept the other held tightly in his as he lead us to his living room. He made sure I was comfortably seated on the couch before mumbling that he was going to grab us some water. 

As I listened to the soft noises coming from the kitchen I couldn’t help but let my head fall into my hands, as the implications of what just happened flooded my brain. 

I almost slept with Jiyong. I wasn’t even going to fight it. I would have willingly, and happily spread my legs for him. I didn’t even give it a second thought, I was completely lost in him, even after all the friendship talk that we had at the restaurant. 

Could I let Jiyong back into my life? Was I capable of it? If I had been asked that question this morning, when I first saw him, the answer would have been a resounding no. But now? I wasn’t as confident as before. 

I felt the couch next to me dip under Jiyong’s weight as he sat down. I lifted my head slightly to rest my cheek on my palm as I looked over towards him. 

He had a small cautious smile on face as he offered me one of the glasses of water in his hand, it was a peace offering in every sense of the word. I accepted it.

His black hair was ruffled, no doubt he had been running his fingers through it while he was in the kitchen. A nervous habit he seemed to still have. 

I reached a hand out to straighten his hair, an action that felt so natural, as I had done it hundred of times in the past when the stress got to be a little too much for him. “I am never going to be done with you, am I?” 

Jiyong left out a soft laugh, his eyes closing. He bent his head slightly to lean into my touch. 

“I hope so.” He sighed. “I hope you are never done with me Seungri.” 

We were quiet for a moment, as I continued to weave my fingers through his hair. The tense atmosphere from earlier having completely vanished. 

The day seemed to have caught up with me though. I felt myself yawn for what must have been the tenth time since we sat down. My eyes were starting to burn, I wanted nothing more than to just close them, to give into the sleep that I so desperately craved. 

But I couldn’t do it here. Not at Jiyong’s. It wouldn’t have been right. We both needed some time and space to think about things.

“I need to go home.” I whispered, breaking the soothing silence that had been surrounding us. 

“Can I text you?” Jiyong asked, running his hand through his hair, once we had made our way back to the front door. He was nervous. 

“Sure.” I answered offering him a slight smile. “You can text me.” 

Nodding, Jiyong opened the door, but grabbed my arm before I could take a step outside. He took a step towards me, licking his lips nervously as he looked at me. He then leaned in and kissed me softly on my cheek before leaning towards my ear to whisper.

“Good night Seungri. I’ll see you in my dreams.” 

I smiled and shook my head as I made my out of Jiyong’s apartment. The drive home was made in mostly silence. It turns out that Jiyong and I live about twenty minutes away from each other. 

Once I was safely inside my apartment, I made a quick work of shedding my clothes and jumping into a warm shower. 

I quickly brushed my teeth, got changed into an old ratty college shirt and boxers, checked the locks and the front door, and then was finally able to collapse into my bed. 

I expected to fall sleep immediately, but as I tossed and turned I couldn’t help but let my mind wander, back to my college days. Back to when Jiyong and I were so in love and so sure of each other. 

—————————————————————————————————

“Alright so I got all of my homework done so I am totally and completely free this weekend.” I laughed as Jiyong pulled me into his arms. 

We had just made our way to our hideaway after our last class of the day ended. Jiyong had suggested we take a little beach trip this weekend, to destress and prepare for the end the school year. 

When he first suggested it I couldn’t deny that I was extremely apprehensive about the thought of going away with him for a whole weekend…by ourselves. We had never slept at each others places before, so this would be completely new for us. 

But then again, the thought of going to the beach with Jiyong? A shirtless Jiyong? A dripping wet, shirtless Jiyong?

Yes please. 

“Good! I have you all to myself now.” Jiyong laughed, his lips tilting up in a smile as he leaned down to press a sweet kiss to my lips. 

“I am all yours.” I confirmed, leaning in to steal another kiss from him. Kissing Jiyong has got to be one of my favorite things to do. He has the softest lips you could imagine, they were always nice and warm, and a little wet. Which might sound weird or gross, but it is the complete opposite, they were perfect. Everything about Jiyong, in my eyes, was perfect. 

To be honest I am pretty sure I was in love with him, I had never felt this way about anyone before. There were so many times when we would be studying together, and he would be silently reading his book aloud to himself so he could understand it, and I would find myself just staring at him, so completely at peace. 

But every time I worked up the nerve to say it, to tell him, I would always end up chickening out. I would look at him, he would give me a small questioning smile, and I would immediately freak out and change the subject. 

I didn’t want to ruin things with him. Everything had been going so good with us. After our disastrous first date and after our wonderful makeup first date, everything had seemed to fall into place. 

But what if he didn’t feel the same way? What if he wasn’t there yet? I wasn't so sure I could handle the humiliation of confessing my love for him only to have him tell me he didn’t feel the same way. 

“Earth to Seungri” Jiyong laughed giving my shoulders a soft shake. “You there?”

“Of course I’m here. Be quiet!” I laughed back, pushing away from him to go sit on the blanket that he had just laid out. 

“So i’m thinking we leave early tomorrow. It’ll take us a couple hours to get to the beach, we can stop for lunch, get checked in at the hotel and then have the whole afternoon to relax.” Jiyong said, coming to sit next to me, leaning forward to grab some sandwiches from his bag, offering me one with a smile. 

“Works for me.” I answered, taking a bite of the sandwich he had given me. 

We stayed and talked for a little while, Jiyong taking some time to read another chapter out of his textbook while I leaned back and enjoyed the view. Then it was time to pack up and head to our respective apartments to pack, sleep, and get ready for the adventure that the weekend was sure to bring. 

Once morning came, I made sure to be ready to go by the time Jiyong stopped by to pick me up. The car was loaded, the music was on, and we were ready to roll. We spent most of the drive singing horribly off key to throwback songs. We stopped along the way for a quick lunch and then we finally made it to our hotel, which was a five minute walk to the beach. 

We quickly dumped our bags off in the room, changed into swimsuits, and immediately ran off to the beach. The closer we got the louder the waves sounded, and I could already feel the excitement bubbling up in me. 

Once we reached the sand, Jiyong wasted no time kicking off his shoes and running full speed towards the water. I could hear his laughter as I followed behind him. He waded in about knee deep, spun around towards me, tilted his head towards the sun and reached his arms out at his sides. 

I tried to warn him, I really did. Just as he had tilted his head back, a wave came and crashed into the back of his knees, sending him crashing down into the ocean. Immediately I came to a stop, bending over with the force of my laughter, looking up just in time to see his blond head pop out from the water, a pout playing on his lips. 

“Don’t laugh at me!” He pouted, standing up, his shirt completely soaked and clinging deliciously to his abdomen. 

“Oh my poor little baby. Did he fall?” I said, using my best baby voice, holding my arms out for him. 

“Yes he did, and you’re being very mean him.” He continued pouting, his arms finding their way around my waist. The cold water making me shiver slightly. 

“Well I am very sorry about that.” I whispered leaning up to softly kiss his lips. They were still salty from the ocean water, I could feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, and I just knew that this weekend was going to be one I would remember forever. 

Pulling back form the kiss I saw the mischievous glint in Jiyong’s eyes a moment to late. Before I could pull completely away, before I could object, Jiyong had hauled me over his shoulder, quickly made his way to the ocean and unceremoniously dropped me in. The shock of the cold water quickly faded as I emerged from the water to see Jiyong laughing at me. 

He looked so beautiful I couldn't find it in myself to be mad, instead I smiled and shook my head at him. I reached my hand out to splash at him, smiling in victory when some of it got into his mouth. 

That’s how we spent the rest of the day, messing around in the water, laying on the beach, enjoying the sun and each others company. 

After we were curled up in bed together, our hair still wet from the shower, Jiyong leaned in closer to me and whispered. 

“Good night Seungri. I’ll see you in my dreams.”


End file.
